LIFE'S COMPLICATIONS...

Wow, first of all, I must say I have not written in awhile. Could say been so busy with work and etc. but, no real excuse.
So here I find myself at 6:30am on a Saturday, Nov. 4,2006, not able to sleep, been tossing and turning all night long, so finally got up, made a cup of Hot Chocolate, turned on tv to some stupid low budget sci fi movie, and decided to look up my old blog site and write. So here I am...

I have always know how life can be complicated, I mean, I had a hard life growing up as a child, was basically out of my parents life at the age of 16, and into the life of semi strangers.. yes there were family from my new dads side, but had only met them one time, so, yes, strangers to me. But it turned out to be the best for me at the time, and I complicated school, shyly and quietly, no real friends, etc. etc.

Then moved back to California, where originally from, and stupid me, within a year my life totally changed, ended up pregnant, no family to fall back upon, but wanted to keep the baby, so I ended up living with the family. We both knew we did not love each other, we did it for the baby, and staying together and trying to make it work, for 10 years, and 3 kids... no, just was no love involved, so after kids were old enough to understand, we quit...

I never had a love, a true love, someone to share my thoughts with, to cuddle up and watch a movie with, hold hands with as walk out in public.. I missed having all of these things, of Romance, True Love.
I stepped back and just concentrated on raising my kids, full time job in my book, but they needed me, and they came first, so I did not look for dating, for love, I just looked to be there for my kids at this hard time.
Well, they grew up, two married, one has two kids, and from a previous blog, you would know the heartache we all felt when my daughter lost her daughter at 6 months pregnant. It was horrible for all of us, but anyway, I have just the one boy at home now, he's 18, and basically does his own thing. So,
Last year, I decided to finally think about me, about me being alone, and needing companionship, not just a one night stand here and there, but a husband, a loving husband to come home to, talk about our days, and be there for each other when we had both good and bad days..
Went online as a pen pal, and I had a online name with pen pal in it, and within a couple of months found myself looking for love, and so I changed my online name so that they knew was looking for more then just a pen pal now, and well, strange as it seems I found it. I had almost given up acouple of times as mostly just got guys who wanted to play around on net, through chat or web, and me, well, I wanted the real thing, someone who was also on this site looking for someone to connect with and Love. I had chatted with one who seemed very interesting to me, but then he disappeared, so thought ok, not interested in me.
One day, I said, enough, it's just not gonna happen for me, I felt I was suppose to live alone, no love, no husband, no future. Was about to close the site I was on out, as did before then came back, but this time, I felt had enough.
So I got everything ready and was about to hit the delete button, but something, something in my mind said NO... give it a day or two, usually I go ahead with what had planned, but this time, something inside was telling me to wait.
Well, about 5 minutes afte I told myself to wait, I got a message from a guy, he was asking me, is this ...... etc. and I told him yes, why. He told me his name, and he explained, he was the one chatted to a long time ago, and then he had to go away on business, so did not come online, and he had just returned and was looking fo me, but because I had changed my online name, and he did not know it, he had to sit and go through all the files until he came across my pic and said "there she is", and then he contacted me.. We sat and chatted for about 2 hrs that day.. Wow, it was so interesting, we talked about everything, our lives, childhoods, family, our values in life, what we wanted to find, and it was almost the same.. we both wanted to find a love that was true, and would be longlasting. we clicked...
We continued to chat every day for hours at a time. we would laugh, talk about things upsetting us, everyday things going on in our lives, and within a few chats, my heart was telling me that I was falling for this guy, strange, yeah, falling in love with someone over the net, but it happens. My son met is wife through the net, married and happy with a daughter. So, it can happen I told myself.
So after about month, he also felt same, and he found himself purposing to me online... yep, online.. he was living in the UK so was not able to hop on plane and come see me, although he wanted to after he purposed and I said yes. but told him to wait, as he was planning a business trip and we would meet then.
It felt, feels, wonderful to love someone so much, we have basically been engaged for a year now, and I have felt wonderful most of the time.. why do I say "most", not that I dont love him, I do, but to be honest, there has been many delays for him coming here, he had his business trip planned and we were ready to meet, and then it got cancelled as his mom took ill and was in hospital, so he went to India to be with her, and I totally understand that, I would of done so also if was my family. Then he went back to UK, and was about to come for good in March, but, tragedy struck his family, and a car carrying his Uncle, Aunt, and 2 young nieces was in auto accident, and all were killed, he went home again, I could understand that also, so then in May, he finally said was on his way, he felt family was ok now for him to leave. He had even slipped and told me date, it was to be the 11th, wow, one day before my birthday, was so excited.
But this time, tragedy struck my family, and at same time, he had bit of bad luck also. I guess he was already on his way, as had chatted with him one day when he said would be catching a plane, and would be making a stop in boston to visit a friend as his dad had passed, so wanted to stop and say Hi.. about a day later, we found out about my granddaughter, that we had lost her in daughters womb. So I was devasted, and we had to go through the whole delivery thing and it was horrific, belive me, how to deal with the fact, your child has died inside you, and yet you still have to deliver it as normal, but you know you will not hear the crys of life as it comes from you...oh god, its a terrible feeling.
I needed him so bad at this time, I was trying to call, text, etc, no messages online, I could not find him, he was lost, I needed him now more then ever, I needed his support through this. Then came the day of the funeral, on top of all else, was to be the day he was to arrive, so left a note on door saying to please call my cell, emergency had arised, and would explain later.
After the service, I came home, and no word, I watched out the window as it became darker and darker outside, while had computer messanger on, and nothing, no word.. I now cried twice as many tears, for my daughter, granddaughter, and now for the loss of where he was, what was happening, I needed him with me, by my side.. Finally almost a week later, he contacts me, I was both furious and happy, but I did not take my anger out on him. I let him explain what happened, and yes, was a reason he did not arrive, he was in boston, something happened which he had to fly back to UK immediately, and was totally understandable, but I did tell him, he should of contacted me, as I was worried, and had issues needed to talk with him about. He explained to me, he was upset, and felt ashamed, as he was here in US, so close to me, yet had to go back.
Well, he felt even worse when I told him all that had happened here, as now he felt he should of been here for me, to help me through this hard time.. but it was still good to hear his voice.
Well, delay after delay, he is still not here, we have been basically engaged for a year now this week, and yeah, I never had physically met him or touched him yet. but thats not the issue, I know how I feel, and know he loves me also.. he has had reasons for the delays, and I have been very understanding, and now, now he tells me that he will be here very soon, he said by first week of Nov, which by way calender is, I figured by the 11th, he wont tell me exact date, as he says he wants to wait till he has ticket in hand to tell me, because of all the delays before. So asked him to please at least give me 10 day notice so can arrange to take acouple days off work when he arrives, he agreed. Well, here it is the 4th, so if 10 days notice, well, not by 11th... lol... so still waiting. then asked if he would be here by the 15th, all he would say is YES, keep fingers crossed, but today is 4th, and to him in India, today is 5th, so does that mean I will get my notice today? I wonder. have not heard from him in acoupld of days, no message left online, but he usually does not, I have tried to call about 5 times, no answer, so not sure whats going on.. could he be trying to suprise me, and on his way? or too busy to come online and chat, or take my calls? NOW, finally after all of this, here is my deliema...
I cant sleep, I have been very busy at work lately, no time to take care of apt cleaning, and my own self care, like working out, firming tummy alittle after surgery in feb, things like this. Now, no word, or contact from him, so today, well, last night now, as 7am now, I tossed and turned all night long, all night, hoping he would come online to chat, left computer on all night as usually do, so mabe he would hop on when he woke, NOTHING. I tried to call about three different times, as was missing him so damn bad, and feeling so sad, and alone, and needing and wanting to hear his voice, no answer..
Now, find myself being woke up with a nightmare, that he was here, did not like me, and that he was coming onto a co worker who was visiting me.. (which is strange itself, as dont hardly talk to this person at work..lol) but it was the whole idea, that he finally made it, but did not like me... scared me when I woke, really needed to talk to him, tried to call, NOPE.. so then I decided to come onto my blog, have not written long time, and VENT...
I love him, I know, crazy, strange, etc. but I do, and I miss him so much when we dont chat even for a day here, and I know in India the connection is bad, as have chatted with friends there, and always kicked offline, but still, I feel like he is so close, and yet so far, Im afraid, something will cause another delay, or now, I am worrying, what if he dont like me, he says he dont love me for my body, which wont lie, needs some workout, but had to wait till healed good after surgery on tummy, so am ready to start now, but he says, loves me for my mind... I guess I am just insecure alittle because of my past, and try not to let it get the best of me, as then I say stupid things to him and it upsets him alittle, and he is right, I do, but thats why I am here right now, saying my possible stupid insecurity to my blog, I am scared, Im scared he wont like me when he seems me, Im scared he will want to go away from me, Im scared he wont show at all, and my heart is relying on him, without him, to be honest, I dont know where I will go, companship wise, I wont go online to find another, wont go looking, I will just go back into my shell like before, and just be me, and kids when they want me around. I dont know, here I am thinking the worst, its this nightmare that got me thinking this way, and if could of heard his voice, I know I would of felt better, I need him, I love him, but, I am strong enough to go on alone, but will be hurt, hurt again... See, here I go thinking worse... I need to try to think positive right now, but this is what this blog is all about... Life's complications, we all have them, one way or another, they come to bite us in the ass when we least expect it. I just want my turn at love, true love, real love... at least once.
Well, have finished venting, will close computer, and hop back online later when sometimes he comes online to do some work in his late eve, and hope he comes to chat, will clean on apt alittle, that will help me some, and well, will try to keep thinking the good, think hes coming, just doing alot to get ready, and not try to stress, and god, try to not think the worse, as in nightmare... and hopefully within acouple of weeks, I can come back here, if not sooner, and say... YIPPIE, he is here...lol
So bye for now, and anyone who reads this and can relate, think of me, as I always think of others in similar situations, and pray for me once, and wish the best that he will arrive soon, I will come back and write more, I have enjoyed doing so again, although was mostly venting today...
We must all not give up hope, think for a minute, I almost gave up when he had hopped on, and he took the time to find me, page by page, so there must be something there, we just have to jump over the final hurdle of him arriving safely into my arms. I need to think of this, him, holidays, our first, it will be great.. so hope any of you in the same situation as me right now, or close, dont quite give up yet, dream on, I will say a prayer for all of you today also, wishing your dream man, or woman, arrives safe to you soon...
Goodnight to some, and have a great day to others.... Wishes, Dreams, Happiness..
(raj, love you...)

LUCK OR FATE

I am beginning to think that sometimes things just keep piling up on us, and you know that we want to just give up, but we try to find the inner strength within ourselves and continue going on.
If you read my earlier blog, you know I recently lost my unborn granddaughter, and had to do the whole funeral thing and such.. now a new situation has come around upon me, and makes me wonder is this just alot of Bad Luck hitting me all at once, or is this my Fate...
The man I fell in love with was suppose to come to US to start a new job and be with me forever, so many times things have come in the way to delay this, and now, now he finally made it to US, although was in Boston for short time as his friends dad had passed away.. And I was so excited that he told me what day would finally arrive to me, 2 days, wow, even though was trying to plan granddaughters funeral, was looking forward to him arriving, as needed the moral support and his love to get me through this tough time.
I did not get the chance to tell him all that had happened as we were DC from the computer before could, but knew he would be here in acouple days and would tell him then. I did not hear any more from him, but thought he wanted to just surprise me and come into my arms as soon as possible.
Well, he never showed on the day he was to arrive, and I never heard a word. This was on a Thursday, same day as granddaughters funeral, so was even more hurt, I needed him to be here.
Days went on, not a word, finally his brother sent me a text back, as I had been texting to that phone thinking my love had it, but turns out had left it with his brother, so his brother sent me a quick text that he thought his brother was on his way back to UK as got some bad news about all his stuff lost on way there. His valuables he said. So I took it as all of his furniture and such that he had shipped. But I did not know any more then that.
Still no word, none at all, was trying to contact only acouple people that may know where he was or what was going on... Finally after about 5 days, I get a response on IM saying that he heard he may of lost all money saved all his life in a bank draft or something like that. So I gave this friend the phone number I had that brother texted me on and he said he would try to call him and get more info.
He called the brother and found out that my love was with friend in UK and trying to deal with all the issues, and he got a number for where he was and would try to contact him and find out all going on and see if he could help. I was at least thankful to know he is safe with a friend, but am still alittle hurt that he did not contact me yet.
And now, still have not heard from the friend if he got hold of him or not, still waiting for an answer on whats going on. And all of this waiting and worrying is driving me totally Crazy..
I know he loves me, and I know he seems to withdraw and want to be all alone when bad things happen, and believe me, he has had his share the past few months since trying to get out here to me. I guess I am afraid he will begin to think all a mistake, and maybe he should just stay where he is... That scares me to death to even possibly think that. But how would you think if no word for over a week.
But I am trying to stay very strong, and not think the negative, and try to think the positive, he has alot to deal with right now, and he will get ahold of me when things are corrected and his mind is thinking clearly and such. Then I am hoping he will contact me and tell me that he is on his way... in the meantime, as dont even have a address to write him letters of encouragement to, and send daily texts, but dont know if he is getting them. But am trying to be strong alone, just wish he would contact me, so we could be strong together...

So, then I wonder, is this just a round of Bad Luck for us right now, or... is this my Fate.....

VALENTINES DAY.....

Well, first of all, I will say to each and everyone. Happy Valentines Day. Yep, today is Feb.14,2006. And for the first time in my life, I have been able to somewhat enjoy this day of love as they say.
I have met a man, a wonderful and caring man, who has shown be how to love like no other. And has made me realize that there is such a thing as love as first sight, or my case, love at first chat..lol. Now I am serious, I have not yet actually met this man. We met on an online date site, and after acouple months of chatting off and on, and will say once thought found someone, but turned out that he was not ready for the kind of relationship I was looking for.
I was looking for a man who could make my heart pitter patter at the very thought of being in love, and as this would be my first and hopefully last love of a lifetime, wanted it to be one felt would last forever, through anything. So, yes I joined a date site, was not sure about it at first, but then come to realize was not that bad. Almost quit acouple of times, as I found that there were more guys who where just there to chat and try and have some fun then to actually build a true relationship with someone and fall in love and marry.
I did make some friends, dont get me wrong, and a good friend helped me to understand that I am able to open myself up, and take a chance on love, for you see, even though had been married for ten years, never was actually in love. And so I think this situation, caused me to be afraid to open myself love to find love, let alone to be loved.
So with this in mind, and lots of guys just wanting to chat, with no true interest in building a long lasting relationship, I almost signed off and gave up, but something told me to continue, and so got a flirt from someone new, was not too sure about it.. thought about quiting site again, but something, something told me to answer this flirt and dont give up just yet..
Oh My God, much to my surprise, he responded quickly to me again when I answered his flirt message. And we began to try and connect which was hard as he was in UK, and me in USA. So finally one day, he hopped on, and we chatted for acouple minutes, and we had decided to switch over to my Messanger and chat there. We chatted for about 2 hours the first time I believe. And to be quite honest, he gave me such a good feeling chatting with him. He was also wanting to find someone interested in a true long lasting relationship, and possible future together, and him also was tired of chatting with women who only wanted to have some fun online, and not serious.
We set up a second chat for the next evening, and I have to tell you girls something, he shivered my timbers...lol I mean I felt as if I have know the guy for many years, and had grown to care for him lots. It was such a stange feeling that came over me. And to be honest after chatting for long time again, I did not want to stop, we both kept saying bye, but then would chat alittle more, and tell each other that we did not want to stop. I have never in my lifetime had such a feeling while chatting with a man I never met. It was great.
We continued chatting and getting to know each other, and much to my surprise, I fell in Love with him...Yep.. Fell in Love. Wow what a wonderful and strange feeling at the same time. I mean I have heard of Love at first sight. But we never met.. And I felt such excitement when I heard his voice when he called to tell me he loved me also. And before knew it, he was purposing online.. and I accepted... Wow...
I have no issues about loving this man, and wanting to spend the rest of my life with him. I know we both love each other, and want to be together, and will continue to do so until our dying days.. In fact, we are planning to marry this summer... How fantastic is that.
My one slight regret, is that today... Valentines Day, he is out of state and taking care of family business. And gosh, I so wish he was here with me, for you see, I have never ever really had any reason to celebrate and enjoy Valentines Day, until now.. But I know we both were thinking of each other today, and how much we love each other, and we did get to chat on phone, thats the next best thing, right. And it just gives me more to look forward to in the future years of my life with him..
So really today was a great day for me, always is after I chat with him.. hell, it even makes me smile to even think of him....thats True Love. And I know I will have many, many more Valentines Days to celebrate with.... My True Valentine...

Happy Valentines Day Everyone.....wish you all the best, and enjoy your true love.. I am..

Well, its been awhile since I wrote a blog, but got so much running through my head lately that thought would help to do so tonight.
First of all, found out my daughter is pregnant, and thats cool. She is a diabetic, been one since she was nine years old, so of course she will have to be monitored closely, and baby also. But that is just one of many stresses that have been waying heavy on me lately.
I have always tried to be a nice, caring, and friendly person. I do what I am able to to help others, and try to be concerned about all. Sometimes I think this ends up backfiring onto me. And maybe as someone said once, I am a bit naive in some things. My trust in people is sometimes one of them.
I offered to help some friends when needed, and they have come around to collect, and although am doing my best to keep what promised them, its hard as alot of things have changed since that offer was made. And now, I do not know what to do to help them to help themselves without it hurting me and my familys situation now.
I am hoping to plan a great future with someone and the new situation has brought along with it some problems that could interfere with this, and I feel bad, dont want to throw them out onto the street, they are friends, but also I need to be concerned about my and families future also.
So, see, I find myself in a pickle, and not knowing what to do to open the jar and breath fresh air. I do not have the expenses to help them, and I dont want to tell them they are not wanted, but it has become a slight difficult situation. Any suggestions?? Willing to accept any...