http://fineartamerica.com/profiles/carol-beza.html
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Monday, December 26, 2011
Hi everyone, I have not been here quite as much as you can see, I have been in Triond where I am doing some writing, an now have yet another site to promote photography an such... please take a moment to check the site out :) You may find that you like it...............have a Happy Holiday everyone...
Friday, April 10, 2009
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
I am starting to get my poems and blogs together and hope to try and get them published one day. I actually had my first poem published online today, was so cool to see it there. Here are the sights were you will be able to find things hopefully in the near future...
http://www.gomestic.com/writers/Californ
http://www.socyberty.com/writers/Califor
http://www.gomestic.com/writers/California%20Dreamer.164137
http://www.socyberty.com/writers/California%20Dreamer.164137
Friday, April 03, 2009
Our Inner Feelings
Some days, we think to ourselves about how hard we work our whole lives, and yet, what do we have to show for it? What about the ones who work and work and work, and yet they have nothing... you stand, you give all you have, and yet you get nowhere, and when you get up acouple steps, seems like something always comes back to knock you back acouple. You hold your pride, try not to cry, and you get back up and try to continue onward. You finally get a small smile back on your face and think that things just might start to look better, but then again, there you go, getting knocked back down again... It just seems so unfair sometimes, so hard not to cry, so hard not to give up, so hard to try and explain to anyone just how you really feel inside.....
Guess I just needed to vent for a minute, I know there must be others out there who feel the same way I do sometimes...
Smile for a moment, at least it helps for a minute or two...
:)
Guess I just needed to vent for a minute, I know there must be others out there who feel the same way I do sometimes...
Smile for a moment, at least it helps for a minute or two...
:)
Saturday, February 14, 2009
" A SAD VALENTINES DAY "
Wow, its had been awhile since i have been online here, and here it is Valentines Day, about 6:22pm and I'm writing a blog, how about that.....lol
Well, this past year has been something else for me, I have struggled through the year dealing with work and the new management that has changed like 3 times, and the last ones real jerks, who care nothing about the employees and only how much money a bonus will put in their pockets.
The year had been slow, I still sit and wait for the one and only true love to come into my life, I have heard many promises and hopes, but to be honest, I feel my dreams are starting to fade away, as it seems as the year of 2008 came to an end, my whole life began to fall apart, and for one who has always tried to be the strong one in the family, that's a sad day for me...
At the end of Oct I had a mammogram that was way past due, so then in mid Nov i get a notice that they found something and to contact their office. My doctor told me it was probably a cyst but i had to go to a special mammogram place to have additional pics taken and then if they were not right, they would immediately do an ultra sound to look.
I broke down at work when i heard, and was crying and had to go home as anyone would imagine, and my boss acted as if he was caring, but found out that behind my back, he started treating me bad when told him would be missing days quickly without much notice when docs set up appts and i could not miss these days, and found out then that he was trying to set up firing me behind my back... what a way for things to be going..
So with shaky hands and tearful eyes, I called my daughter and told her what was happening, she was so very strong for me, and she went with me to the next appt, and yes, they did find the abnormality again and immediately set up a biopsy with ultrasound.
Oh my god, it was a scary thing to go through, to lay there poked and prodded on and to not know what the results would be, as you know docs, they wont tell you anything until all the results are in. So they numbed me up, put a small hole in me, and took a piece, and guess as the spot was small the doc went ahead and took the piece she was looking at out at the time.
I was very sore when was finished, and of course they told me i had to wait for results, I tried to work, they like were treating me like crap as had missed few days for the biopsy, and i was in bit of pain also, then got a call, it was not malignant, but there was something and they recommend another surgery to be done as soon as possible, by boss had a terrible look when told him that news...
So, guess what, here on the last day of the year, Dec 31st, New Years Eve, i had to go into hospital and have a breast cut into, let alone before the surgery i had to go and have a wire thing placed into my breast first, talk about scared and confusing times.
Surgery was over, they took more tissue area out, and they let me go home that night, so here on this last day of the year, i was in bed on couch all bandaged up and in pain... :(
and i started the New Year the same way, lol.. but a few days later they did call and tell me that it was not full cancer, but that my body was producing some cell thing that had a higher risk of cancer in the future, but they got the whole area they were worried about out, but that i would have to also take a medication for one a day for 5 years as an added precaution.
So YES, i am thankful it was not cancer, but at the same time YES, I'm a bit scared that i do have a higher risk, and never drink or smoke.... but that's life i guess.
the bandage area they put on me, caused a reaction and a blister across breast, so not only do i have a scar across breast right now, but possibly also another scar, farther across due to the bandage tape they used.... how crappy is that.
someone who told me love me and cared for me so so much, did not seem too concerned when told them about it, they have told me they want to be with me for the past 3 years and still are not, here it is valentines day and not even a word, says his cell not working....hmmm,, but not even an offline message through messenger :(, NOW HOW SAD IS THAT.
Found out even though I'm still out on LOA, my boss had put in stuff to try and fire me, so now have to find a lawyer who will work pro bono and go after them for health retaliation or wrongful termination when and if all is completed, just more crap to deal with, my blood pressure been up, so on meds for that, have not slept a good night sleep in months, so doc gave me meds to try and help that, not working that great as of yet...
Now, here is the new year upon us, still out of work, breast still scarred for now, as still healing, and I'M ALONE... every had a day you just want to sit and cry all day long?, that's how i feel I right now today, but i cant, as have one son who still lives here, and he been home, as no job yet, and i cant let him see me like that... so, instead, i have to hold all of this in, they have helped me some, and doc has me seeing someone to help me through this, but I WANT TO JUST CUDDLE UP IN COVERS AND CRY...
I have always tried to be a nice person, and i think i am, a bit overweight, but am slowly working on that, not for anyone, but for myself, but sometimes i feel, whats the use? you know,...
The only good thing so far this new year, is that i had a grandson born on Feb 5th, he is a cutie, and i love to hold him, makes me remember when all of my children were babies, how much i loved being and caring for them...
Anyway, i have to try and just let this day go by, not be too sad, but I'm tired of sitting and spending Valentines Day alone.....................
To each of you, I wish you all a wonderful Valentines Day, full of love and smile :)
Well, this past year has been something else for me, I have struggled through the year dealing with work and the new management that has changed like 3 times, and the last ones real jerks, who care nothing about the employees and only how much money a bonus will put in their pockets.
The year had been slow, I still sit and wait for the one and only true love to come into my life, I have heard many promises and hopes, but to be honest, I feel my dreams are starting to fade away, as it seems as the year of 2008 came to an end, my whole life began to fall apart, and for one who has always tried to be the strong one in the family, that's a sad day for me...
At the end of Oct I had a mammogram that was way past due, so then in mid Nov i get a notice that they found something and to contact their office. My doctor told me it was probably a cyst but i had to go to a special mammogram place to have additional pics taken and then if they were not right, they would immediately do an ultra sound to look.
I broke down at work when i heard, and was crying and had to go home as anyone would imagine, and my boss acted as if he was caring, but found out that behind my back, he started treating me bad when told him would be missing days quickly without much notice when docs set up appts and i could not miss these days, and found out then that he was trying to set up firing me behind my back... what a way for things to be going..
So with shaky hands and tearful eyes, I called my daughter and told her what was happening, she was so very strong for me, and she went with me to the next appt, and yes, they did find the abnormality again and immediately set up a biopsy with ultrasound.
Oh my god, it was a scary thing to go through, to lay there poked and prodded on and to not know what the results would be, as you know docs, they wont tell you anything until all the results are in. So they numbed me up, put a small hole in me, and took a piece, and guess as the spot was small the doc went ahead and took the piece she was looking at out at the time.
I was very sore when was finished, and of course they told me i had to wait for results, I tried to work, they like were treating me like crap as had missed few days for the biopsy, and i was in bit of pain also, then got a call, it was not malignant, but there was something and they recommend another surgery to be done as soon as possible, by boss had a terrible look when told him that news...
So, guess what, here on the last day of the year, Dec 31st, New Years Eve, i had to go into hospital and have a breast cut into, let alone before the surgery i had to go and have a wire thing placed into my breast first, talk about scared and confusing times.
Surgery was over, they took more tissue area out, and they let me go home that night, so here on this last day of the year, i was in bed on couch all bandaged up and in pain... :(
and i started the New Year the same way, lol.. but a few days later they did call and tell me that it was not full cancer, but that my body was producing some cell thing that had a higher risk of cancer in the future, but they got the whole area they were worried about out, but that i would have to also take a medication for one a day for 5 years as an added precaution.
So YES, i am thankful it was not cancer, but at the same time YES, I'm a bit scared that i do have a higher risk, and never drink or smoke.... but that's life i guess.
the bandage area they put on me, caused a reaction and a blister across breast, so not only do i have a scar across breast right now, but possibly also another scar, farther across due to the bandage tape they used.... how crappy is that.
someone who told me love me and cared for me so so much, did not seem too concerned when told them about it, they have told me they want to be with me for the past 3 years and still are not, here it is valentines day and not even a word, says his cell not working....hmmm,, but not even an offline message through messenger :(, NOW HOW SAD IS THAT.
Found out even though I'm still out on LOA, my boss had put in stuff to try and fire me, so now have to find a lawyer who will work pro bono and go after them for health retaliation or wrongful termination when and if all is completed, just more crap to deal with, my blood pressure been up, so on meds for that, have not slept a good night sleep in months, so doc gave me meds to try and help that, not working that great as of yet...
Now, here is the new year upon us, still out of work, breast still scarred for now, as still healing, and I'M ALONE... every had a day you just want to sit and cry all day long?, that's how i feel I right now today, but i cant, as have one son who still lives here, and he been home, as no job yet, and i cant let him see me like that... so, instead, i have to hold all of this in, they have helped me some, and doc has me seeing someone to help me through this, but I WANT TO JUST CUDDLE UP IN COVERS AND CRY...
I have always tried to be a nice person, and i think i am, a bit overweight, but am slowly working on that, not for anyone, but for myself, but sometimes i feel, whats the use? you know,...
The only good thing so far this new year, is that i had a grandson born on Feb 5th, he is a cutie, and i love to hold him, makes me remember when all of my children were babies, how much i loved being and caring for them...
Anyway, i have to try and just let this day go by, not be too sad, but I'm tired of sitting and spending Valentines Day alone.....................
To each of you, I wish you all a wonderful Valentines Day, full of love and smile :)
Saturday, November 04, 2006
LIFE'S COMPLICATIONS...
Wow, first of all, I must say I have not written in awhile. Could say been so busy with work and etc. but, no real excuse.
So here I find myself at 6:30am on a Saturday, Nov. 4,2006, not able to sleep, been tossing and turning all night long, so finally got up, made a cup of Hot Chocolate, turned on tv to some stupid low budget sci fi movie, and decided to look up my old blog site and write. So here I am...
I have always know how life can be complicated, I mean, I had a hard life growing up as a child, was basically out of my parents life at the age of 16, and into the life of semi strangers.. yes there were family from my new dads side, but had only met them one time, so, yes, strangers to me. But it turned out to be the best for me at the time, and I complicated school, shyly and quietly, no real friends, etc. etc.
Then moved back to California, where originally from, and stupid me, within a year my life totally changed, ended up pregnant, no family to fall back upon, but wanted to keep the baby, so I ended up living with the family. We both knew we did not love each other, we did it for the baby, and staying together and trying to make it work, for 10 years, and 3 kids... no, just was no love involved, so after kids were old enough to understand, we quit...
I never had a love, a true love, someone to share my thoughts with, to cuddle up and watch a movie with, hold hands with as walk out in public.. I missed having all of these things, of Romance, True Love.
I stepped back and just concentrated on raising my kids, full time job in my book, but they needed me, and they came first, so I did not look for dating, for love, I just looked to be there for my kids at this hard time.
Well, they grew up, two married, one has two kids, and from a previous blog, you would know the heartache we all felt when my daughter lost her daughter at 6 months pregnant. It was horrible for all of us, but anyway, I have just the one boy at home now, he's 18, and basically does his own thing. So,
Last year, I decided to finally think about me, about me being alone, and needing companionship, not just a one night stand here and there, but a husband, a loving husband to come home to, talk about our days, and be there for each other when we had both good and bad days..
Went online as a pen pal, and I had a online name with pen pal in it, and within a couple of months found myself looking for love, and so I changed my online name so that they knew was looking for more then just a pen pal now, and well, strange as it seems I found it. I had almost given up acouple of times as mostly just got guys who wanted to play around on net, through chat or web, and me, well, I wanted the real thing, someone who was also on this site looking for someone to connect with and Love. I had chatted with one who seemed very interesting to me, but then he disappeared, so thought ok, not interested in me.
One day, I said, enough, it's just not gonna happen for me, I felt I was suppose to live alone, no love, no husband, no future. Was about to close the site I was on out, as did before then came back, but this time, I felt had enough.
So I got everything ready and was about to hit the delete button, but something, something in my mind said NO... give it a day or two, usually I go ahead with what had planned, but this time, something inside was telling me to wait.
Well, about 5 minutes afte I told myself to wait, I got a message from a guy, he was asking me, is this ...... etc. and I told him yes, why. He told me his name, and he explained, he was the one chatted to a long time ago, and then he had to go away on business, so did not come online, and he had just returned and was looking fo me, but because I had changed my online name, and he did not know it, he had to sit and go through all the files until he came across my pic and said "there she is", and then he contacted me.. We sat and chatted for about 2 hrs that day.. Wow, it was so interesting, we talked about everything, our lives, childhoods, family, our values in life, what we wanted to find, and it was almost the same.. we both wanted to find a love that was true, and would be longlasting. we clicked...
We continued to chat every day for hours at a time. we would laugh, talk about things upsetting us, everyday things going on in our lives, and within a few chats, my heart was telling me that I was falling for this guy, strange, yeah, falling in love with someone over the net, but it happens. My son met is wife through the net, married and happy with a daughter. So, it can happen I told myself.
So after about month, he also felt same, and he found himself purposing to me online... yep, online.. he was living in the UK so was not able to hop on plane and come see me, although he wanted to after he purposed and I said yes. but told him to wait, as he was planning a business trip and we would meet then.
It felt, feels, wonderful to love someone so much, we have basically been engaged for a year now, and I have felt wonderful most of the time.. why do I say "most", not that I dont love him, I do, but to be honest, there has been many delays for him coming here, he had his business trip planned and we were ready to meet, and then it got cancelled as his mom took ill and was in hospital, so he went to India to be with her, and I totally understand that, I would of done so also if was my family. Then he went back to UK, and was about to come for good in March, but, tragedy struck his family, and a car carrying his Uncle, Aunt, and 2 young nieces was in auto accident, and all were killed, he went home again, I could understand that also, so then in May, he finally said was on his way, he felt family was ok now for him to leave. He had even slipped and told me date, it was to be the 11th, wow, one day before my birthday, was so excited.
But this time, tragedy struck my family, and at same time, he had bit of bad luck also. I guess he was already on his way, as had chatted with him one day when he said would be catching a plane, and would be making a stop in boston to visit a friend as his dad had passed, so wanted to stop and say Hi.. about a day later, we found out about my granddaughter, that we had lost her in daughters womb. So I was devasted, and we had to go through the whole delivery thing and it was horrific, belive me, how to deal with the fact, your child has died inside you, and yet you still have to deliver it as normal, but you know you will not hear the crys of life as it comes from you...oh god, its a terrible feeling.
I needed him so bad at this time, I was trying to call, text, etc, no messages online, I could not find him, he was lost, I needed him now more then ever, I needed his support through this. Then came the day of the funeral, on top of all else, was to be the day he was to arrive, so left a note on door saying to please call my cell, emergency had arised, and would explain later.
After the service, I came home, and no word, I watched out the window as it became darker and darker outside, while had computer messanger on, and nothing, no word.. I now cried twice as many tears, for my daughter, granddaughter, and now for the loss of where he was, what was happening, I needed him with me, by my side.. Finally almost a week later, he contacts me, I was both furious and happy, but I did not take my anger out on him. I let him explain what happened, and yes, was a reason he did not arrive, he was in boston, something happened which he had to fly back to UK immediately, and was totally understandable, but I did tell him, he should of contacted me, as I was worried, and had issues needed to talk with him about. He explained to me, he was upset, and felt ashamed, as he was here in US, so close to me, yet had to go back.
Well, he felt even worse when I told him all that had happened here, as now he felt he should of been here for me, to help me through this hard time.. but it was still good to hear his voice.
Well, delay after delay, he is still not here, we have been basically engaged for a year now this week, and yeah, I never had physically met him or touched him yet. but thats not the issue, I know how I feel, and know he loves me also.. he has had reasons for the delays, and I have been very understanding, and now, now he tells me that he will be here very soon, he said by first week of Nov, which by way calender is, I figured by the 11th, he wont tell me exact date, as he says he wants to wait till he has ticket in hand to tell me, because of all the delays before. So asked him to please at least give me 10 day notice so can arrange to take acouple days off work when he arrives, he agreed. Well, here it is the 4th, so if 10 days notice, well, not by 11th... lol... so still waiting. then asked if he would be here by the 15th, all he would say is YES, keep fingers crossed, but today is 4th, and to him in India, today is 5th, so does that mean I will get my notice today? I wonder. have not heard from him in acoupld of days, no message left online, but he usually does not, I have tried to call about 5 times, no answer, so not sure whats going on.. could he be trying to suprise me, and on his way? or too busy to come online and chat, or take my calls? NOW, finally after all of this, here is my deliema...
I cant sleep, I have been very busy at work lately, no time to take care of apt cleaning, and my own self care, like working out, firming tummy alittle after surgery in feb, things like this. Now, no word, or contact from him, so today, well, last night now, as 7am now, I tossed and turned all night long, all night, hoping he would come online to chat, left computer on all night as usually do, so mabe he would hop on when he woke, NOTHING. I tried to call about three different times, as was missing him so damn bad, and feeling so sad, and alone, and needing and wanting to hear his voice, no answer..
Now, find myself being woke up with a nightmare, that he was here, did not like me, and that he was coming onto a co worker who was visiting me.. (which is strange itself, as dont hardly talk to this person at work..lol) but it was the whole idea, that he finally made it, but did not like me... scared me when I woke, really needed to talk to him, tried to call, NOPE.. so then I decided to come onto my blog, have not written long time, and VENT...
I love him, I know, crazy, strange, etc. but I do, and I miss him so much when we dont chat even for a day here, and I know in India the connection is bad, as have chatted with friends there, and always kicked offline, but still, I feel like he is so close, and yet so far, Im afraid, something will cause another delay, or now, I am worrying, what if he dont like me, he says he dont love me for my body, which wont lie, needs some workout, but had to wait till healed good after surgery on tummy, so am ready to start now, but he says, loves me for my mind... I guess I am just insecure alittle because of my past, and try not to let it get the best of me, as then I say stupid things to him and it upsets him alittle, and he is right, I do, but thats why I am here right now, saying my possible stupid insecurity to my blog, I am scared, Im scared he wont like me when he seems me, Im scared he will want to go away from me, Im scared he wont show at all, and my heart is relying on him, without him, to be honest, I dont know where I will go, companship wise, I wont go online to find another, wont go looking, I will just go back into my shell like before, and just be me, and kids when they want me around. I dont know, here I am thinking the worst, its this nightmare that got me thinking this way, and if could of heard his voice, I know I would of felt better, I need him, I love him, but, I am strong enough to go on alone, but will be hurt, hurt again... See, here I go thinking worse... I need to try to think positive right now, but this is what this blog is all about... Life's complications, we all have them, one way or another, they come to bite us in the ass when we least expect it. I just want my turn at love, true love, real love... at least once.
Well, have finished venting, will close computer, and hop back online later when sometimes he comes online to do some work in his late eve, and hope he comes to chat, will clean on apt alittle, that will help me some, and well, will try to keep thinking the good, think hes coming, just doing alot to get ready, and not try to stress, and god, try to not think the worse, as in nightmare... and hopefully within acouple of weeks, I can come back here, if not sooner, and say... YIPPIE, he is here...lol
So bye for now, and anyone who reads this and can relate, think of me, as I always think of others in similar situations, and pray for me once, and wish the best that he will arrive soon, I will come back and write more, I have enjoyed doing so again, although was mostly venting today...
We must all not give up hope, think for a minute, I almost gave up when he had hopped on, and he took the time to find me, page by page, so there must be something there, we just have to jump over the final hurdle of him arriving safely into my arms. I need to think of this, him, holidays, our first, it will be great.. so hope any of you in the same situation as me right now, or close, dont quite give up yet, dream on, I will say a prayer for all of you today also, wishing your dream man, or woman, arrives safe to you soon...
Goodnight to some, and have a great day to others.... Wishes, Dreams, Happiness..
(raj, love you...)
So here I find myself at 6:30am on a Saturday, Nov. 4,2006, not able to sleep, been tossing and turning all night long, so finally got up, made a cup of Hot Chocolate, turned on tv to some stupid low budget sci fi movie, and decided to look up my old blog site and write. So here I am...
I have always know how life can be complicated, I mean, I had a hard life growing up as a child, was basically out of my parents life at the age of 16, and into the life of semi strangers.. yes there were family from my new dads side, but had only met them one time, so, yes, strangers to me. But it turned out to be the best for me at the time, and I complicated school, shyly and quietly, no real friends, etc. etc.
Then moved back to California, where originally from, and stupid me, within a year my life totally changed, ended up pregnant, no family to fall back upon, but wanted to keep the baby, so I ended up living with the family. We both knew we did not love each other, we did it for the baby, and staying together and trying to make it work, for 10 years, and 3 kids... no, just was no love involved, so after kids were old enough to understand, we quit...
I never had a love, a true love, someone to share my thoughts with, to cuddle up and watch a movie with, hold hands with as walk out in public.. I missed having all of these things, of Romance, True Love.
I stepped back and just concentrated on raising my kids, full time job in my book, but they needed me, and they came first, so I did not look for dating, for love, I just looked to be there for my kids at this hard time.
Well, they grew up, two married, one has two kids, and from a previous blog, you would know the heartache we all felt when my daughter lost her daughter at 6 months pregnant. It was horrible for all of us, but anyway, I have just the one boy at home now, he's 18, and basically does his own thing. So,
Last year, I decided to finally think about me, about me being alone, and needing companionship, not just a one night stand here and there, but a husband, a loving husband to come home to, talk about our days, and be there for each other when we had both good and bad days..
Went online as a pen pal, and I had a online name with pen pal in it, and within a couple of months found myself looking for love, and so I changed my online name so that they knew was looking for more then just a pen pal now, and well, strange as it seems I found it. I had almost given up acouple of times as mostly just got guys who wanted to play around on net, through chat or web, and me, well, I wanted the real thing, someone who was also on this site looking for someone to connect with and Love. I had chatted with one who seemed very interesting to me, but then he disappeared, so thought ok, not interested in me.
One day, I said, enough, it's just not gonna happen for me, I felt I was suppose to live alone, no love, no husband, no future. Was about to close the site I was on out, as did before then came back, but this time, I felt had enough.
So I got everything ready and was about to hit the delete button, but something, something in my mind said NO... give it a day or two, usually I go ahead with what had planned, but this time, something inside was telling me to wait.
Well, about 5 minutes afte I told myself to wait, I got a message from a guy, he was asking me, is this ...... etc. and I told him yes, why. He told me his name, and he explained, he was the one chatted to a long time ago, and then he had to go away on business, so did not come online, and he had just returned and was looking fo me, but because I had changed my online name, and he did not know it, he had to sit and go through all the files until he came across my pic and said "there she is", and then he contacted me.. We sat and chatted for about 2 hrs that day.. Wow, it was so interesting, we talked about everything, our lives, childhoods, family, our values in life, what we wanted to find, and it was almost the same.. we both wanted to find a love that was true, and would be longlasting. we clicked...
We continued to chat every day for hours at a time. we would laugh, talk about things upsetting us, everyday things going on in our lives, and within a few chats, my heart was telling me that I was falling for this guy, strange, yeah, falling in love with someone over the net, but it happens. My son met is wife through the net, married and happy with a daughter. So, it can happen I told myself.
So after about month, he also felt same, and he found himself purposing to me online... yep, online.. he was living in the UK so was not able to hop on plane and come see me, although he wanted to after he purposed and I said yes. but told him to wait, as he was planning a business trip and we would meet then.
It felt, feels, wonderful to love someone so much, we have basically been engaged for a year now, and I have felt wonderful most of the time.. why do I say "most", not that I dont love him, I do, but to be honest, there has been many delays for him coming here, he had his business trip planned and we were ready to meet, and then it got cancelled as his mom took ill and was in hospital, so he went to India to be with her, and I totally understand that, I would of done so also if was my family. Then he went back to UK, and was about to come for good in March, but, tragedy struck his family, and a car carrying his Uncle, Aunt, and 2 young nieces was in auto accident, and all were killed, he went home again, I could understand that also, so then in May, he finally said was on his way, he felt family was ok now for him to leave. He had even slipped and told me date, it was to be the 11th, wow, one day before my birthday, was so excited.
But this time, tragedy struck my family, and at same time, he had bit of bad luck also. I guess he was already on his way, as had chatted with him one day when he said would be catching a plane, and would be making a stop in boston to visit a friend as his dad had passed, so wanted to stop and say Hi.. about a day later, we found out about my granddaughter, that we had lost her in daughters womb. So I was devasted, and we had to go through the whole delivery thing and it was horrific, belive me, how to deal with the fact, your child has died inside you, and yet you still have to deliver it as normal, but you know you will not hear the crys of life as it comes from you...oh god, its a terrible feeling.
I needed him so bad at this time, I was trying to call, text, etc, no messages online, I could not find him, he was lost, I needed him now more then ever, I needed his support through this. Then came the day of the funeral, on top of all else, was to be the day he was to arrive, so left a note on door saying to please call my cell, emergency had arised, and would explain later.
After the service, I came home, and no word, I watched out the window as it became darker and darker outside, while had computer messanger on, and nothing, no word.. I now cried twice as many tears, for my daughter, granddaughter, and now for the loss of where he was, what was happening, I needed him with me, by my side.. Finally almost a week later, he contacts me, I was both furious and happy, but I did not take my anger out on him. I let him explain what happened, and yes, was a reason he did not arrive, he was in boston, something happened which he had to fly back to UK immediately, and was totally understandable, but I did tell him, he should of contacted me, as I was worried, and had issues needed to talk with him about. He explained to me, he was upset, and felt ashamed, as he was here in US, so close to me, yet had to go back.
Well, he felt even worse when I told him all that had happened here, as now he felt he should of been here for me, to help me through this hard time.. but it was still good to hear his voice.
Well, delay after delay, he is still not here, we have been basically engaged for a year now this week, and yeah, I never had physically met him or touched him yet. but thats not the issue, I know how I feel, and know he loves me also.. he has had reasons for the delays, and I have been very understanding, and now, now he tells me that he will be here very soon, he said by first week of Nov, which by way calender is, I figured by the 11th, he wont tell me exact date, as he says he wants to wait till he has ticket in hand to tell me, because of all the delays before. So asked him to please at least give me 10 day notice so can arrange to take acouple days off work when he arrives, he agreed. Well, here it is the 4th, so if 10 days notice, well, not by 11th... lol... so still waiting. then asked if he would be here by the 15th, all he would say is YES, keep fingers crossed, but today is 4th, and to him in India, today is 5th, so does that mean I will get my notice today? I wonder. have not heard from him in acoupld of days, no message left online, but he usually does not, I have tried to call about 5 times, no answer, so not sure whats going on.. could he be trying to suprise me, and on his way? or too busy to come online and chat, or take my calls? NOW, finally after all of this, here is my deliema...
I cant sleep, I have been very busy at work lately, no time to take care of apt cleaning, and my own self care, like working out, firming tummy alittle after surgery in feb, things like this. Now, no word, or contact from him, so today, well, last night now, as 7am now, I tossed and turned all night long, all night, hoping he would come online to chat, left computer on all night as usually do, so mabe he would hop on when he woke, NOTHING. I tried to call about three different times, as was missing him so damn bad, and feeling so sad, and alone, and needing and wanting to hear his voice, no answer..
Now, find myself being woke up with a nightmare, that he was here, did not like me, and that he was coming onto a co worker who was visiting me.. (which is strange itself, as dont hardly talk to this person at work..lol) but it was the whole idea, that he finally made it, but did not like me... scared me when I woke, really needed to talk to him, tried to call, NOPE.. so then I decided to come onto my blog, have not written long time, and VENT...
I love him, I know, crazy, strange, etc. but I do, and I miss him so much when we dont chat even for a day here, and I know in India the connection is bad, as have chatted with friends there, and always kicked offline, but still, I feel like he is so close, and yet so far, Im afraid, something will cause another delay, or now, I am worrying, what if he dont like me, he says he dont love me for my body, which wont lie, needs some workout, but had to wait till healed good after surgery on tummy, so am ready to start now, but he says, loves me for my mind... I guess I am just insecure alittle because of my past, and try not to let it get the best of me, as then I say stupid things to him and it upsets him alittle, and he is right, I do, but thats why I am here right now, saying my possible stupid insecurity to my blog, I am scared, Im scared he wont like me when he seems me, Im scared he will want to go away from me, Im scared he wont show at all, and my heart is relying on him, without him, to be honest, I dont know where I will go, companship wise, I wont go online to find another, wont go looking, I will just go back into my shell like before, and just be me, and kids when they want me around. I dont know, here I am thinking the worst, its this nightmare that got me thinking this way, and if could of heard his voice, I know I would of felt better, I need him, I love him, but, I am strong enough to go on alone, but will be hurt, hurt again... See, here I go thinking worse... I need to try to think positive right now, but this is what this blog is all about... Life's complications, we all have them, one way or another, they come to bite us in the ass when we least expect it. I just want my turn at love, true love, real love... at least once.
Well, have finished venting, will close computer, and hop back online later when sometimes he comes online to do some work in his late eve, and hope he comes to chat, will clean on apt alittle, that will help me some, and well, will try to keep thinking the good, think hes coming, just doing alot to get ready, and not try to stress, and god, try to not think the worse, as in nightmare... and hopefully within acouple of weeks, I can come back here, if not sooner, and say... YIPPIE, he is here...lol
So bye for now, and anyone who reads this and can relate, think of me, as I always think of others in similar situations, and pray for me once, and wish the best that he will arrive soon, I will come back and write more, I have enjoyed doing so again, although was mostly venting today...
We must all not give up hope, think for a minute, I almost gave up when he had hopped on, and he took the time to find me, page by page, so there must be something there, we just have to jump over the final hurdle of him arriving safely into my arms. I need to think of this, him, holidays, our first, it will be great.. so hope any of you in the same situation as me right now, or close, dont quite give up yet, dream on, I will say a prayer for all of you today also, wishing your dream man, or woman, arrives safe to you soon...
Goodnight to some, and have a great day to others.... Wishes, Dreams, Happiness..
(raj, love you...)
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
LUCK OR FATE
I am beginning to think that sometimes things just keep piling up on us, and you know that we want to just give up, but we try to find the inner strength within ourselves and continue going on.
If you read my earlier blog, you know I recently lost my unborn granddaughter, and had to do the whole funeral thing and such.. now a new situation has come around upon me, and makes me wonder is this just alot of Bad Luck hitting me all at once, or is this my Fate...
The man I fell in love with was suppose to come to US to start a new job and be with me forever, so many times things have come in the way to delay this, and now, now he finally made it to US, although was in Boston for short time as his friends dad had passed away.. And I was so excited that he told me what day would finally arrive to me, 2 days, wow, even though was trying to plan granddaughters funeral, was looking forward to him arriving, as needed the moral support and his love to get me through this tough time.
I did not get the chance to tell him all that had happened as we were DC from the computer before could, but knew he would be here in acouple days and would tell him then. I did not hear any more from him, but thought he wanted to just surprise me and come into my arms as soon as possible.
Well, he never showed on the day he was to arrive, and I never heard a word. This was on a Thursday, same day as granddaughters funeral, so was even more hurt, I needed him to be here.
Days went on, not a word, finally his brother sent me a text back, as I had been texting to that phone thinking my love had it, but turns out had left it with his brother, so his brother sent me a quick text that he thought his brother was on his way back to UK as got some bad news about all his stuff lost on way there. His valuables he said. So I took it as all of his furniture and such that he had shipped. But I did not know any more then that.
Still no word, none at all, was trying to contact only acouple people that may know where he was or what was going on... Finally after about 5 days, I get a response on IM saying that he heard he may of lost all money saved all his life in a bank draft or something like that. So I gave this friend the phone number I had that brother texted me on and he said he would try to call him and get more info.
He called the brother and found out that my love was with friend in UK and trying to deal with all the issues, and he got a number for where he was and would try to contact him and find out all going on and see if he could help. I was at least thankful to know he is safe with a friend, but am still alittle hurt that he did not contact me yet.
And now, still have not heard from the friend if he got hold of him or not, still waiting for an answer on whats going on. And all of this waiting and worrying is driving me totally Crazy..
I know he loves me, and I know he seems to withdraw and want to be all alone when bad things happen, and believe me, he has had his share the past few months since trying to get out here to me. I guess I am afraid he will begin to think all a mistake, and maybe he should just stay where he is... That scares me to death to even possibly think that. But how would you think if no word for over a week.
But I am trying to stay very strong, and not think the negative, and try to think the positive, he has alot to deal with right now, and he will get ahold of me when things are corrected and his mind is thinking clearly and such. Then I am hoping he will contact me and tell me that he is on his way... in the meantime, as dont even have a address to write him letters of encouragement to, and send daily texts, but dont know if he is getting them. But am trying to be strong alone, just wish he would contact me, so we could be strong together...
So, then I wonder, is this just a round of Bad Luck for us right now, or... is this my Fate.....
If you read my earlier blog, you know I recently lost my unborn granddaughter, and had to do the whole funeral thing and such.. now a new situation has come around upon me, and makes me wonder is this just alot of Bad Luck hitting me all at once, or is this my Fate...
The man I fell in love with was suppose to come to US to start a new job and be with me forever, so many times things have come in the way to delay this, and now, now he finally made it to US, although was in Boston for short time as his friends dad had passed away.. And I was so excited that he told me what day would finally arrive to me, 2 days, wow, even though was trying to plan granddaughters funeral, was looking forward to him arriving, as needed the moral support and his love to get me through this tough time.
I did not get the chance to tell him all that had happened as we were DC from the computer before could, but knew he would be here in acouple days and would tell him then. I did not hear any more from him, but thought he wanted to just surprise me and come into my arms as soon as possible.
Well, he never showed on the day he was to arrive, and I never heard a word. This was on a Thursday, same day as granddaughters funeral, so was even more hurt, I needed him to be here.
Days went on, not a word, finally his brother sent me a text back, as I had been texting to that phone thinking my love had it, but turns out had left it with his brother, so his brother sent me a quick text that he thought his brother was on his way back to UK as got some bad news about all his stuff lost on way there. His valuables he said. So I took it as all of his furniture and such that he had shipped. But I did not know any more then that.
Still no word, none at all, was trying to contact only acouple people that may know where he was or what was going on... Finally after about 5 days, I get a response on IM saying that he heard he may of lost all money saved all his life in a bank draft or something like that. So I gave this friend the phone number I had that brother texted me on and he said he would try to call him and get more info.
He called the brother and found out that my love was with friend in UK and trying to deal with all the issues, and he got a number for where he was and would try to contact him and find out all going on and see if he could help. I was at least thankful to know he is safe with a friend, but am still alittle hurt that he did not contact me yet.
And now, still have not heard from the friend if he got hold of him or not, still waiting for an answer on whats going on. And all of this waiting and worrying is driving me totally Crazy..
I know he loves me, and I know he seems to withdraw and want to be all alone when bad things happen, and believe me, he has had his share the past few months since trying to get out here to me. I guess I am afraid he will begin to think all a mistake, and maybe he should just stay where he is... That scares me to death to even possibly think that. But how would you think if no word for over a week.
But I am trying to stay very strong, and not think the negative, and try to think the positive, he has alot to deal with right now, and he will get ahold of me when things are corrected and his mind is thinking clearly and such. Then I am hoping he will contact me and tell me that he is on his way... in the meantime, as dont even have a address to write him letters of encouragement to, and send daily texts, but dont know if he is getting them. But am trying to be strong alone, just wish he would contact me, so we could be strong together...
So, then I wonder, is this just a round of Bad Luck for us right now, or... is this my Fate.....
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